Disclaimer: This story is not based on a true story. Only the names have been retained to protect the guilty.
James Tiberius Kirk lay sprawled upon the Grecian couch, his shirtless chest glistening with a light sheen of perspiration. He looked around the room and saw his science officer, Spock, in a discussion with the his newly assigned Yeoman, Ensign Iliana. She was clad, as were all women on the pleasure planet, in a gold mesh, jewel-encrusted bikini and 6 inch stiletto heels; just the sight for an over-worked Captain's weary eyes. However, duty was not to be avoided, even here on the pleasure planet of OZ. "Mr. Spock," he began, "It has come to my attention that tomorrow is Dr. McCoy's birthday. I want you to get him a present from the crew. I want you to find a Trybil." Iliana swooned upon hearing her Captain's deep manly voice, but then giggled as she had other ideas involving Kirk/Spock.
Spock pondered his task. To find an appropriate Trybil, he would need a TAMI (Trybil Acceptability Measurement Indicator). However, finding a TAMI that actually worked or did what it was supposed to was harder than finding a bus in Winnipeg that ran on schedule. Spock recalled that the there had been some sort of issue with the bus operators going on strike until their coffee breaks were replaced with SLIM (Second Life Instant Messaging) breaks and that things just had not been the same since. However, this data was irrelevant to the finding of a good Trybil, if such a thing even existed.
Mr. Spock decided to utilise the planet's search facilities as he was unable to locate a functional TAMI. The last TAMI he had observed was wearing a red shirt and had been killed by a phaser wielding Romulan named Gwenni. Typing the appropriate terms into the primitive computer interface he pressed the 'Search' button and was rewarded with "Sven's House of Newbie Hair. Prim-free for that just arrived feeling. Visit us today." Fascinating. It seemed that Search was no longer operating properly on this system. Spock made a mental note to discuss the issue with Lieutenant Linden, the new programming officer.
Reporting to a teleportation chamber, Spock decided to pay a visit to the Queen of the pleasure planet. As he stood in line, waiting for his turn to teleport, the women in front of him started chatting. "Hi, we're Zhu and Kara. Are you going to Baby Monkey too? They have the most wonderful freebie shoes there! See?" She thrust a piece of paper in front of him. Spock looked down and saw the store title messily circled with red quilter's chalk on a pamphlet entitled "Arwin's Guide for Freebie Junkies." Fascinating.
When Spock finally arrived at the Queen's chambers he found Queen Llola sitting at her computer terminal mumbling angrily. All morning she had been searching for a panda, only to find horsies. It had been downright irritating to say the least. She turned to her visitor. "How may I help you? We have plenty of double prim lots available here in OZ and a wonderful sky mall for your shopping convenience. Are you here for the stories? If so, please put your ears on."
Spock was beginning to regret his assignment. It was maddening that even here, in a supposed paradise, his ears were the subject of ridicule. Containing his frustration, he replied, "Ma'am. I am looking for a high quality Trybil. One of such worth that you would call it Timeless. I was wondering if you know where to find a creature of this type."
Llola knew the answer instantly. "Go west," a direction she knew had to be correct because every region of OZLAND had West in the name, "and then look in the greenhouse. I know for certain that you can find a Trybil in the greenhouse." She paused a moment, looked at the tall stoic Vulcan, and then asked, "Wanna go for breakfast? I'm hungry and the food here is awful. I need more meat in my diet. I want something with more pork, Yes, I'm certain that right now, I need more pork."
Spock opened his communicator. "One to beam up." McCoy could find his own Trybil.
OZLAND Picture Stories certifies that no Trybils were harmed in the production of this story.
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