(based on the characters from Mork and Mindy)
Mork calling Orson, come in Orson!
This has been a most interesting assignment! I have been in a place called Ozland. It appears that when Dorothy returned to Kansas, the Wizard and the Munchkins all packed up and left sometime later. The land is now governed by a King and a Queen. Instead of a wearing crown, the King usually wears a fishbowl on his head, and the Queen sports a pink sceptre on her left wrist. Their castle must have been destroyed by the Wicked Witch, who for some reason they call Philip Linden, because they now seek refuge in an old English pub. At the beginning of each week they hold court with their subjects. All gather around and sit on the floor as the King plays ancient radio drama stories. They seem are obsessed with something called a Fatima cigarette. It's 40% longer, King-sized, has soothing smoke, and it is guaranteed to taste the best! We must try them! We also need to take the Wheaties Challenge because, apparently, Wheaties at seven can help at eleven.
On Monday evenings the Queen invites her subjects to a gathering dedicated to cultural instruction; Polka varieties, Tenors, The British Invasion, Disco, and Military Hospitals are some of the themes covered. These events are sometimes popular and attract visitors, but I think their primary goal must be to assist the replacement munchkins in developing musical tolerance. Apparently, the Queen's dislike of "rap" and "heavy metal" has recently caused the formation of a secret society known as the Ili Communicators. Clandestine events are held high in the sky in a secret location so that residents can listen to "popular" music. I am not sure that these events are endorsed by the Queen and so they might herald an upcoming insurrection amongst the inhabitants.
On Wednesdays, the group gathers around a table that must have been stolen from Ork. The chairs magically appear on demand when someone sits down. Interestingly, one cat-like resident prefers to sit on the ground (probably from some sort of chair phobia,) another brings a bed to lounge in during the event (which looks remarkably comfortable). Upon gathering, the attendees all stare at the same picture, each person taking turns trying to describe what the picture is about. I have listened carefully and in my opinion, the participants all seem to be suffering from various strange delusions. The Queen often has multiple and sometimes bizarre interpretations of the same picture. Another gentle lady will come up with these multi-chapter stories that weave an intricate tale. The cat-like resident often writes these dark and scary stories about white discs and lunar insanity.
Speaking of these inhabitants, they certainly are an interesting bunch! I believe the Queen's sister is a Captain of a transportation vessel (they call it a bus). I can tell she is very rich because she has tons of gadgets and various modes of transportation, such as boats, flying motorcycles and even fancy helicopters! It was reported that she commissioned the cat girl to construct a special building to hold them all (which they call a hangar). Because this transportation Captain (also known as a Sheriff) likes to play a game called hang-man on Sunday, and has a building called a hanger, I conclude she must also be head of the Queen's militia. I also discovered that her companion is the DJ of the secret Ili Communicator cult. Part of her strange ritual requires that attendees to her musical events "slap the ass" of the transportation Captain. I have been trying to obtain an invitation for this privileged event, but they seem quite difficult to obtain.
On Sundays, there is a strange, short, green dragonette that sometimes attends court. She must be poor and lower-class because she never seems to change her clothes and is often seen barefoot. I have heard of something called a Trybil that is apparently quite cuddly, but very elusive, because there are no Trybils that I can locate. There is a giant of a man called sixfootrider because of his intimidating height and appearance. I'm not sure what sort of animal has six feet for him to ride, but it must be very large to accommodate him. He seems quite friendly. Other residents have equally bizarre names: U43hr4play, SkyKing, MrK, passtime, and, justhangingaroundguy, for example. The ladies all seem to have more traditional names such as Akira, Lana, betzy, Lorelie, and Raphaela. I will note however, cognitivedissonance, Taffy and Diva stand out in my mind as being a little bit less mainstream.
It took me a while to sort out who is who because many of them have multiple names. Taffy is also called Oregon (a company that makes chainsaws according to their oracle "Google"). She is interesting because she has a "Mistress" and enjoys wrapping herself in colorful latex rubber clothing (I try not to stand to close in the summertime)! Many of the residents have cloned themselves into what they call “alts.” I am unsure of the reason for this strange practice other than to help overpopulate their numbers and please their creators (known as the Linden family).
Finally, I do not know what to make of a pair of strange characters; the white haired gal, a relative newcomer to the land of Oz and the cat whom she claims that she loves! This cat (who seems to be more human than feline) is rather mischievous at all of Ozland’s social gatherings. The cat is also rumoured to be very clever. She builds things and works for the absentee Trybil and is also seen fixing things that her lady friend (her lover?) breaks or creating wonderful objects that the same friend dreams up.
Sadly, I need to end my report. I would have liked to have gathered more data, but I have been banned from Ozland. Apparently I have violated some sort of taboo by using "profanity." My choice of expletives in stressful situations has irked the Queen and I am no longer permitted within the region. Perhaps if I had worn a hat on Sunday, the Queen would have been more tolerant...
This is Mork signing off. Nanu, Nanu.